Things have been running at a slow pace this week. For as much as I've taken the time out for myself by running, working out, going to yoga and taking extra long bubble baths I still can't seem to shake this feeling I've got going on. I'm moody, I've been more anxious than I've been in a long while, and really, just feel incredibly out of sorts. The only thing I can associate this with could be the natural weaning that's happening between Sofia and I.
This stuff is hard. No one really prepares you for it. The books I've read have no *disclaimer* that I would fall into a depressed and panicked state out of nowhere. I thought that I chose when I wanted to be done. Because guess what? I'm not ready. And I'm sure if Sofia had her way, she wouldn't be done either. However, despite my consistent battling, my body has gradually been making less and less milk between Sofia's overnight weekends with her Grandma and my work schedule and I feel such a loss of control in what's happening. I wish I was able to completely nourish my 9 month old, I wish I could rewind this entire journey to the beginning. Why is she growing up so fast? It's heartbreaking. I'm heartbroken. If I have any hope, we still continue to nurse at night, (and sometimes in the morning before work if I'm lucky) but, I've come to the painful realization that our breastfeeding bond is on its way out.
Has anyone else experienced some sort of emotional stress from weaning? I'm trying my best to stay positive throughout the pain, tears, and even helplessness I feel sometimes -- but for now, I'm just trying to take care of myself and be extra gentle on myself.
I know in my heart Sofia and I will find a new way to bond, although nothing ever will replace what I've been gracious enough to have experienced through our BF'ing journey.
This stuff is hard. No one really prepares you for it. The books I've read have no *disclaimer* that I would fall into a depressed and panicked state out of nowhere. I thought that I chose when I wanted to be done. Because guess what? I'm not ready. And I'm sure if Sofia had her way, she wouldn't be done either. However, despite my consistent battling, my body has gradually been making less and less milk between Sofia's overnight weekends with her Grandma and my work schedule and I feel such a loss of control in what's happening. I wish I was able to completely nourish my 9 month old, I wish I could rewind this entire journey to the beginning. Why is she growing up so fast? It's heartbreaking. I'm heartbroken. If I have any hope, we still continue to nurse at night, (and sometimes in the morning before work if I'm lucky) but, I've come to the painful realization that our breastfeeding bond is on its way out.
Has anyone else experienced some sort of emotional stress from weaning? I'm trying my best to stay positive throughout the pain, tears, and even helplessness I feel sometimes -- but for now, I'm just trying to take care of myself and be extra gentle on myself.
I know in my heart Sofia and I will find a new way to bond, although nothing ever will replace what I've been gracious enough to have experienced through our BF'ing journey.
My body stopped producing enough milk at around her 11month mark, I cried, I got mastitis, cried some more, it was hard on me more than on her. I also wished that I could have produced more milk, but in the end even though I hated bottle feeding her we still bonded even more.
ReplyDeleteIt is frustrating truth that most of working women go into this situation..
ReplyDeleteYou poor thing!!! Have you read this post from A Cup of Jo about her personal struggles with depression after she started weaning? It's SUCH a fantastic read. http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2012/02/motherhood-depression-and-weaning.html
ReplyDeleteIt also sparked this conversation with the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/26/weaning-depression-link-breastfeeding-postpartum-depression_n_1301233.html
I hope you feel that you aren't alone!!
I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. I can only imagine how hard weaning must be. Great job nursing Sofia for as long as you have, that is truly amazing! I know you two will find another special way to bond!
ReplyDeleteI went through something similar around eight and a half months. I felt crazy. Later I read an article or book, I can't remember, that said it was a common occurrence to happen at that age. But if you're not ready to stop, don't. Do what's best for both of you. Even if it's just once a day. But, if you do stop, don't feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteKate, It's tough, but it's temporary. Always remember that it's temporary. There is so much more that will melt your heart.
I just want to take a quick minute to thank ALL of you for such an overwhelming response. I means so much at a time like this that I have support, I truly feel so blessed.
ReplyDeleteI'm not ready to completely stop, so Sofia and I are still going to keep up our morning and nighttime routine. It's unfair to myself to mourn the loss of the exclusivity of it all, because we had a great run!
Now, it's just a waiting game for these hormones to level themselves off. (I'll be eating lots of ice cream and crying at the Google baby commercials until they do, though.)
Love to you all, can't say how much I appreciate every one of your voices here. It means the world to me.
I think this is quite normal, not that I've had it happen myself, but I've read/heard from friends as well. It sucks that you are going through it however. I really don't look forward to this part!
ReplyDeleteOh lady, I really, really feel for you. (I went through a period of breast refusal when my Olive was about 10 months and it shocked me how distraught I was, although I managed to get her back on.) I have no doubt though, that even if it all ended tomorrow, once the hormones settle down, you'll realise your bond is just as amazing. Nothing will break that. Kellie xx
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteIn the same boat right now and I just posted the other day on FB that I thought weaning was going to be the easy part. I have fought supply this whole year and it has REALLY dropped off this past couple of weeks. I think it is completely normal for our bodies, and our babes to want to change. You have given Sofia everything you have and THAT is enough. Always know that. Keep all of the positives in your mind and enjoy the times you still get to nurse. Just yesterday a shop owner in Bucktown brought up PP related to weaning. She went through a terrible time weaning her son and ended up seeking help. Like you, I have read virtually everything on the subject and really hadn't hear anything about the potential but it totally makes sense. It is going to be such a major hormone drop! It is such a psycological mess. I'm so ready to be done and proud I made it this far but I feel soooo guilty stopping! So illogical. Know you aren't alone and this too shall pass!! LOve ya!!
I didn't know this but apparently depression during weaning is totally a thing. Joanna Goddard just wrote a blog post on her blog, Cup of Jo, about her experience with it. Sorry you're going through it.
ReplyDeleteI just came across you blog for the first time today and this is the first post I read... I was only able to breast feed my baby boy for a few days when he was born - a culmination of surgery and antibiotics meant I had to formula feed my boy. I was so worried about losing that special closeness and bond between us but just being close and enveloping him in to me while he fed gave me such comfort.. My little one is 15 months old now and every time he stands still long enough to look at me properly right in the eyes we still truly connect, I can feel it and then he will hug me and pat me softly on the back.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel you have kept a special and close bond with your baby girl :)
I'm feeling like this a little at the moment. My bub is 8 months and my supply is dropping away and i dread the day i won't be able to snuggle him into my chest and feed him. I love it, apart from the biting ;-) such a special time
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