self esteem & being a mom.

i'll admit it.  as amazing as this whole experience has been, there have definitely been some high 'highs' and low 'lows'.  it wouldn't be fair if i was unhonestly upbeat every single day, right?  sometimes you just feel off, and if i didn't share how i get myself out of these slumps, i wouldn't be doing any of you future mamas out there any favor by holding back.  i feel the need to share with the world that there is just something that happens to your self esteem as a women during and after childbirth.  it's a pretty crazy feeling.  you feel absolutely on top of the world after PUSHING a BABY out of your VAGINA. seriously. you feel like a superhero, and you feel pretty accomplished-- because, let's face it, how do those things even fit through there? after giving birth you are self-assured and you're higher than life; you are surrounded with the intoxicatingly yummy smell that all babies, but especially your baby has.

then, you go home.

you look in the mirror, you might even scowl in disgrace.  perhaps begin to realize that your stomach is nearly identical to the deflated "it's a girl" balloon sitting on the floor?  why, yes.  that does sound somewhat familiar. holy crap, guys! it was hard walking past the mirror those first few days home.  that newly acquired, 'i am woman hear me roar' mentality from labor is completely replaced with the ever so lovely, 'i'm disgusting and i need sleep' mantra.  and i'm sure i said it about 300 times a day, too.  that couldn't have possibly been any more enjoyable for other people to hear let alone beating myself up over and over.

the weight slowly started falling off more and more each day when i remembered that it had only been three weeks since my body has gone through the most intense thing that it will probably ever do.  yeah, i was being too hard on myself.  and something that scared me into snapping out of this funk more than anything was my own daughter.  what would she think?  what would she grow up to know?  would she hear her own mother looking at herself in the mirror saying she was 'disgusting' or 'fat' or 'needed long hair to be pretty'... i was ashamed.  the truth is, pretty has nothing to do with the physical length of your hair (as much, AS MUCH as i think that it does) or your pants size.  beauty is confidence.  it's all in the way you hold your head up.  i don't ever want my daughter to feel like she isn't the most gorgeous girl i have ever laid eyes on, because she is.  i want her to hold her head up higher than anyone, to be crazy, to wear different colored socks... or hell, even think that it's a great idea to wear a men's tie over her t-shirt or stack those jelly bracelets and studs all the way up her arms.  you know, convince me to dye her hair blue or something and she can pretend she's avril lavigne.  oh, wait...  none of you ever did that in high school?  *sigh*

the point is,  i went through some incredibly awkward phases my entire life, but i didn't care what people thought.  why now?  childbirth is beautiful, and confidence is everything.  sofia and i will wake up late at 1pm, eat our cocoa puffs, smile in the full length mirror with our bedhead and morning breath and proclaim to the world... yeah, we look good today.