letting ourselves go

Out of all the beautiful forms of yoga, tantric- or more specifically anusara, has been most appealing to me not only for the deep relationship between the body and mind, but also for its rooted philosophies regarding expansion.  If I haven't turned away most readers by now, please, don't worry.  I don't plan on talking over your head or losing you in a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, but only to share how my life has been influenced.

For me, life has been anything but predictable.

So many things happen around me at a pace I can barely catch up with.  Every day sends a slew of emails and correspondence, daily household chores, a child that needs so dearly my love and attention, a husband too kind and considerate to let me know he needs more time alone to finish up endless freelance projects, healthy dinners that need to be cooked, hours at my other part-time job that need to be worked, a birthday party to be planned... the list will continue to go on, and I'll spare you.  I talked once about tradition, about routines and how important they are to me.  I laugh now thinking about their almighty importance as I, dumfounded, get swept along empty-handedly in the rhythm of life. (And quite unforgivingly at times, might I add).  I find a lot of this growing-up business and parenting business is learning to go with the flow, and I'm sure many of my friends can tell you how big of a control freak I am in real life.  Though I am still learning, I am finding myself more comfortable in my moments of surrender.

Erick and I had decided many months ago that this year, we wanted expansion.  For "change" to happen so badly, for our uphill climb to be worthwhile, to be working in the industries we love and to have a steady income to support our child.  I don't think I ever thought it would magically just happen for us, I knew better-  it would be, and is- a slow and gradual pace.  So here we are, nearly halfway into our 2012 already and I can say without a doubt that things have been going well.  It's not always easy for me to see that though, hence the lengthy blog post to remind myself.  ;)  We have been learning to appreciate those inward and difficult times knowing that something great is just around the corner.  It's almost as if we need to see things from a wider field of view, a bigger picture.

It seems like a simple concept, doesn't it: that to expand, we must first contract?

Like childbirth, sometimes the most trying and deepest of learning experiences come through the contractions.  Slowly I'm learning to not associate these times as ones of pain, but only as beginnings of becoming this higher version of myself; To seek these forks in the road and the times I've literally (literally) been doubled over in all of life's chaos as opportunities to grow instead of waving my hands in defeat.  Too often I feel we just let ourselves dwell in the times we've contracted in our own negative and downward spirals.  All of the internal conversations we have, all of the battering of our spirits we take. Why must we struggle unnecessarily?  I'm constantly reminding myself to use these moments as momentum toward the next great expansion.

Maybe you see where I'm going with this now.

Flow.

It's something I crave within the hoop, the way I dance, the way I practice, and the way I live.  I guess you could say that I'm learning to loosen my grip over my beloved "routines" and "need for control" over the things in my life-  it definitely hasn't been an easy process, and is still very ongoing, yet I'm learning now through these contractions and expansions that this is truly where we as human beings are refined.  This is where we grow and learn.  It's practice.  This is the dance of life, and we shouldn't be afraid to let ourselves go.